My dear sister Anne

It is more difficult for me to talk about Anne than anything I have previously shared But I need to do it, I need to express this pain.  How can I explain it?  Right now I feel my heart is tightening as I think about her and her suffering.  It is unbearable.  I cannot go into too much detail out of respect for her family.  They will have their own vision and their own experience.  This is just my experience, my thoughts and feelings and my pain, my guilt, my loss.  I have  witnessed suffering with Bernardette and my parents but this is on another level.  I believe it is in relation to the fact that it quite easily could have been me.  Also it is really difficult to explain but quite often i could really feel how it would be if it was me.  That is the only way I can explain it.

Poor Anne I can't cope with it, we can't cope with it - both Pauline and myself very often bring the traumatic series of events into conversation. We have to talk to each other about it because we are struggling to comprehend the brutal and heroic way Anne fought to live.  She was terrified.  one of my favourite songs was true colours by Cindi Lauper.  I now hate this song.  I had it as my ringtone for years. when Anne was very ill she heard my phone ring, it terrified her as it made her think of death so I immediately deleted it.  I just wanted to take the suffering And fear away from her.

i was going to talk about the night that Anne died but I do not want to go there so I am going to leave it and move onto the conclusion.