I want my life back

3weeks after my chemo finished I started my radiotherapy.  I was booked in for 3 solid weeks - that's every day at jimmys in Leeds.  Really it wasn't too bad in fact a breeze compared to chemo.  Anyone who has experienced this will know you have to be measured up first.  I can't really explain it but the area they blast with radiotherapy had to be measured exact and marked out with tattoos which are dots so that each daily treatment is easily positioned within the marked areas.  One of the dots is right between my new lovely breasts - it was like a Borstal stamp so this year which is my 5th year in remission I had it covered up with a tattoo of a cherry blossom to mark how my life has blossomed and how I continue to grow as a person day by day.

The only drawback for me with the radiotherapy was the fatigue.  It was immense.  I fought it but it fought back harder.  You don't realise how hard it hits you until you try to forget and be normal.  One of my friends was having a 70s fancy dress party at her house - I decided to go as a schoolgirl being that I actually was a schoolgirl in the 70s.  It was easy  because i could get away with my wig. Photo attached. It was really good fun.  i couldn't drink but it didn't matter we danced and laughed but half way through the evening it hit me like a train.  It was like someone had wacked me over the head with a mallet.  I must have taken myself out of the crowd, laid on a bench and fallen fast asleep because I woke to find a couple of people helping me up - I had no wig on and was led through the crowd with my very attractive bald head to bed.  I think I slept for 3 days to get over it. 

The 3 weeks soon passed with very little drama.  In fact it became enjoyable going every day.  I would meet my sister Anne there as she was being assessed for a trial.  The trial was to take a tablet to make her tumour shrink.  devastatingly it made Anne too ill and she was unable to continue with the trial.  Pauline was having her chemo so it was a time when we were clinging onto each other for support.  

On my last day of radiotherapy I was given my medication, tamoxifen which I had to now take for 5 years.  The next day I went back to work. I had to wear the wig but I wasn't bothered at all I was so elated to be entering into the world of normality. I have added a pic wearing my work wig.

That was it - back to work.  But let me tell you this,  I couldn't have got through the past few months without my family and close friends. I thank my kids Georgia and Chris for not letting it stop them from just being kids, for walking the dog and making me cups of tea.  I wouldn't have wanted them to be anything other than teenagers wrapped up in their teenager world. I thank My husband David for being amazing and giving me the closeness and love when I needed it most. For coming out of his comfort zone and dealing so brilliantly with the situation And at times for being my carer. I love you ❤️. My brother Bernard for being there when I needed him, my sisters Anne and Pauline for being my guardian angels - for showing me that life is a gift and what ever life throws at you, what  differences you have had over the years, sisterly love is a love that accepts you just the way you are. Every time we were together it was like coming home. You were always there for me when I couldn't be there for myself. I loved you yesterday, I love you still, I always have and I always will. My girlflriends.  Jackie Tracey and Linda for sitting by my side that time, you remember.  Thanks Jackie for talking so softly to me when I was in a mad panic and very tearful.  Thanks Tracey - for being at the other end of the phone 24/7.  For listening to me when I was in the pits of despair and didn't want to worry my family.  Thank you girls for all your lovely cards, gifts and for taking me away to the cottage in robin hoods bay and Northumberland.  One thing I have learnt is family and friends are worth their weight in gold


The following part of my blog is the most painful of all,  the part that has ripped my heart out watching my sister deteriorate.  Whilst my health improved day by day hers declined and crumbled.  It was unbearable and unjust.  I was ashamed to be surviving.