This is going to really hurt !!!!!

It has been far too long since I last blogged and I can only apologise.  You know I changed my job, well to cut a long story short I was not happy at all and I am now safely back where I belong in my previous job, preventing strokes and intercranial bleeding with my second family.  I have missed them so much.  Thanks Karen for having me back.

 Before I follow on from the last page I would like to tell you how emotionally fulfilled I feel at present.  The reason for this is as follows:   Some years ago my dad wrote A book about his life, I am not sure he finished it but for some reason we never read it.  Life has got in the way and over the years it was passed around and misplaced.  Pauline and myself have asked around and my nephew found a copy on an old email address.  I began reading it a few days ago and I don't know what I was expecting but I cannot put it down.  It is nothing short of amazing.  I feel so close to my father right now! regreting not reading it when he was alive.  learning and understanding the difficulties he faced in his youth but also the love he had for his family.  He was expelled from priest college as a teenager and came across to England.  It was fascinating to read how he met mum and had a whirlwind romance.  I miss him so much. Anyway lets follow on from the last page.  

Gripping the steering wheel tight, my whole body stiffened to welcome the impact.  I just remember in my head an explosion (there wasn't one - it was just my subconscious mind's perception of it).  I was knocked unconscious for a couple of minutes, opening my eyes to a man at the side of me looking in horror through the window.  "She's alive!" pandemonium set in. There were people running around panicking.  I felt like I had been dipped in an ice bucket and shaking from head to foot. looking around me in shock, in slow motion I became aware of my surroundings.  Freezing cold, windscreen smashed.  To the right of me the tip of a gas bottle peering through the windscreen. To the left of me a man shouting something to me but I couldn't quite hear him, everything was muffled.  Sheer panic set in.  A woman opened the passenger door and sat beside me to comfort me.  "Don't panic" she said " I am a nurse and I am going to help you through this - help is on its way and i just want you to keep calm" even though the car was crushed, the engine was still running.  my arm was badly broken, but survival took over and I switched the engine off. 

It didn't seem too long before the ambulance and fire rescue arrived, by this time I had got a grip of myself.  It felt surreal, like I was having an out of body experience just watching it all happening from above.  I took a moment to be mindful of my surroundings -  fire, police, ambulance, road closed, a crowd of people and cars as far as the eye could see.  After being informed that they would have to use equipment to cut me free, two fire officers straight out of the chippendales were assigned to look after me.  One swapped places with the nurse at one side of me and the other leaned through the window at the other side.  After all that was happening, the banter started.  Well, it would have been rude not to!!!!

The fireman to my right, leaning in the window was staring at my feet.  Immediately I bellowed "what?" "Why are you looking at my feet" he looked at me and smiled "I'm not !  I was just thinking what lovely pins you have"  I smiled back knowing he had no interest in my lovely pins.

Eventually the side of the car was taken off and I was carefully lifted out of the car onto a stretcher and put into the ambulance.  The paramedic did all what she was supposed to do and on the way to the hospital announced she was going to attempt to remove my boot which she did and informed me my leg was a mess, a terrible mess.  I was shocked as I couldn't really feel it.  My body was in so much shock.  Will I loose my foot I asked.  Her reply was that she wasn't sure.

The trailer that hit me had a severed metal bar which penitrated straight through my car and straight through my Lower leg. Obviously tearing my leg open and snapping my leg in half at the ankle.  Fucking ouch!!!!!

Now I know what you are thinking, this blog is not about the accident. It is about the breast cancer.  However these are the experiences that have made me who I am.  These are the experiences that have made me the positive strong woman that I am proud to be.  These are the experiences that have made me value life, love life, respect life and cope with whatever life throws at me. life is amazing don't you think?

in my darkest moments  I have reflected back to past experiences good and bad.  Our experiences in life determine who we are and how we cope with the here and now.

i will summarise and get back to my treatment.

i was in hospital for 3 weeks.  I am going to go into detail in my book but in a nutshell I was in nhs first week and then to private.  Lots to tell about that including and episode with a weird doctor who came to see me in the middle of the night.  first i had rods and pins in my leg and ankle. They are still in as the skin was so fragile it would be detrimental to take them out.  it was touch and go as to wether the skin on my leg would survive so I had to keep my leg in a half cast and elevated for 3 months not moving it at all.  The wound was horrendous and would not heal - it had to be cleaned and dressed daily for 2 months.  On top of that I had broken my elbow.  I was in surgery for 8 hours because it had been crushed like a biscuit and they had to glue every little piece back together with pins.  When I woke from that op I was in a right state as my arm was so swollen it felt like it was going to burst out of the cast.  I was told I wouldn't be able to ever use my arm much but I proved them wrong - I went to the gym daily and worked on my arms and now it is no different to the other one.  I was told I would have a limp and never be able to wear heels again.  -  whilst I was recovering (I mean 6 months later) I walked everywhere and built up my ankle and now I don't have anything that resembles a limp and I do wear heels.   My ankle never swells even in hot wether so I am very lucky. I have attached a picture of my ankle now.  It's nothing to how it looked at the time (ten years ago).  It sounds weird but consciously I knew it was not pretty so subconsciously by affirmations I convinced myself it was beautiful and it made me unique and it has never ever bothered me.  

Oh by the way I had a massive crush on my surgeon.  He was bloody gorgeous!  We had so much banter and he used to come to see me in hospital at the weekends and bring his kids.  He really cared about me and I found it really difficult when after 6 months I was discharged it was like I'd ended a relationship.  I mean it wasn't like that but because I really depended on him for my recovery.  David knew and we laughed about it.  he would say "Jane' do you think he'd fancy you when he has operated on you with your catheter in, you probably farted in his face"  i just laughed because it was probably true!!!!!!!!