Me and my lovely David

Anne''s 50th in the airport on our way to marbella left to right me Pauline Anne

Do you know what?  I completely forgot how bad it was until I wrote this.  

The next day my objective was to make contact with professor Dodwell's secretary. She arranged an appointment to see him that week.  The Oncologists are very tactile and empathic in the way they communicate with you.  It's part of the job I suppose.  In private at the Nuffield the waiting room is very comfortable and Dodwell comes out to greet you and take you in.  He would give my shoulder a gentle squeeze making me feel like a little girl. Not this time, I pounced in behind him, I meant business.  "Everything ok sweetheart, how are you feeling?" "Don't sweetheart me" I thought but didn't say.  What I did do is proceed to tell him about my experience after the chemotherapy.  I told him how angry and abandoned I felt, how I was left to cope on my own and it was not fair on my family.  I couldn't get in touch with anyone and when I did, the nurse was not in a position to offer me a solution.  I told him it was disgusting and remember saying is that how you feel when your dying because if it is I am terrified.  "No no! Jane" he reassured me that should never have happened with the nurse and that I had a bad reaction to the chemo.  He booked me in to the private hospital in Leeds for my next one.  I am not soft by any means and have a high tolerance of most things.  For me it really did not work having the chemotherapy at home 1. Because of the reaction to it and 2. In my opinion you then associate your safe home with something awful.  The very next day my dressing gown and the bed sheets etc were thrown away as I never wanted to see them.

A shock to hear David Bowie passed away today of cancer.  I feel privelaged to have seen him perform live at live aid in 1985.  Isn't it weird looking back at experiences like that.  Did that actually happen - it seems like it was another lifetime. David Bowie and Brian Ferry were my favourite performances that day.

At the beginning of the blog I harped on about positivity and taking one day at a time.  I feel I am only sharing the bad bits because really there weren't any good bits but I did keep saying to myself keep positive and every situation I tried to take a positive from it.  You may laugh but Even at my lowest point when I thought I may die from this, I remember thinking well at least I haven't had to jump from the twin towers.  Months later Anne and I were having this conversation when she was really scared of dying.  I told her I was scared of dying and I had to try and think of a positive.  She replied " ffs Jane there is nothing positive about dying".  "I know" I told her - then I said what I had come up with about the twin towers and she actually agreed. It made her feel the tiniest bit better but it really was a tiny tiny bit because let's face it there is nothing positive about dying. 

I apologise to anyone reading this who may be embarking on a similar experience.  I cannot flower it up - it is what it is.  You will get through it and everyone's experience is different.  Some people  breeze through it.  It affects people in different ways. Nothing to do with tolerance but to do with how your body reacts and copes with it.

I definitely have taken some positives from it in terms of appreciating what is important in life.  It brought David and myself closer and I appreciate him.  He is a really good person and I love him dearly.  We are so compatible - it's not perfect, what relationsip is?  But he really cares about me and loves me so very much.  One thing which is amazing is we still have such a laugh.  Sometimes he makes me belly laugh so Hard, he has a fantastic sense of humour. My family mean so much to me.

Back to April 2012

This would be my third session. My girlfriends Tracey Jackie and Linda were coming to sit with me for support as I wanted  Dave to go to work and be normal.  So he came with me and sat with me until the girls arrived.  The nurses were just setting up the room as there were going to be 5 having treatment that day and I was the first to arrive.  Each patient was allocated her own nurse to look after her/him.  I can't remember the name of mine, it was different each time you went but she was lovely. After asking me what had happened for me to continue at the hospital, she was disgusted and  told me that private patients were encouraged to have chemo at home as it cost the insurance companies less money.  ALSO the oncologist where incentivised by the insurance companies to keep patients out of hospital. The oncologists would then put the nurses under pressure to do the same.  I was fuming!!!!  But in the words of "frozen"  I let it go!!!