Diagnosis sept 2011 - the c word

We rocked up for my appointment.  I was not anxious or worried as of course it was going to be a mistake.  While having  a scan, the consultant told me she was very concerned about what she could see and needed to do a biopsy immediately.  It was now becoming a little more disturbing.  Anyone who has had one will know how uncomfortable And painful this is. Basically they kind of shoot a needle into your breast which grabs tissue and pulls it out.  The suggestion was to bring David into the room for the results.  Much to my disbelief the words were carefully chosen - a presence of hormonal breast cancer.  "oh right what now" - well, my mind automatically hit the auto reject button - that information is not wanted so it is null and void - the life drained from Davids face.   Sally, the breast nurse who was assigned to me to organise my care pathway, explained the scan had shown quite a large lump in my left breast and i would need the full works to give me the best chance of survival.  David and i just looked at eachother "fuck Me!!!"   Sally told me the ins and outs  of what was going to happen, it went in one ear and out the other. Nothing could have prepared me for the reality Of the situation.  I didnt complain i just wanted to get on with it and carry on as normal. "You will put about 2 stone on" she whispered "WHAT!"   Now I was fooking panicking! !! (wHich proves I was not accepting how serious this was).  my thoughts were, kick me while I'm down why dont you. Not only am I going to be bald but I'm gonna look like fucking paddy from emmerdale (I love paddy BTW ) luckily I didn't but I have the dog walking to thank for that. I did gain a few pounds I'm not gonna lie but  that was the least of my worries. 

Being the strong one and the carer - my role kicked in immediately alongside my determination not to let it take over my life.    Sally asked me in her soft voice if I had any thoughts on what I would like to happen in terms of surgery.  I was very clear that I wanted both breasts taken off and implants put in.  Every cloud and all that !!  She replied with admiration for my decisiveness and booked me in with the best surgeon for this procedure.

We left the hospital and returned to the car without saying a word.  Poor David,  he looked terrified.  My thoughts were, this must be the moment I am suppose to burst into tears but 1. I really didn't want to cry and 2. I had to be strong for my family.  We decided to tell the kids as they were 19 and 16, as you can imagine they were very upset.  Georgia was particularly concerning as ever since she was about 3 she had this fear of me dying and leaving her for some reason.  Georgia was seeing Charlie at the time and Chris had just started seeing Nikki - so they both had someone close to talk to apart from me and Dad.  Dolly (David's mum) was amazing - My love for her was immense, she was like a second mum to me.  I would just like to say She was a valuable part of my recovery and for that my promise to her was to always look after her,  which I did and will talk about that later.

Work were fantastic and the sales director called me and said she would take the worry of money away.  They paid me full pay throughout my absence with the use of my company car.  This may  sound boring but I just didn't talk about it much after that.  David came home with books and links to sites etc to research but I never read or searched one thing.  Nothing could be changed and I was living it so why would I want to read about it.  It would be more imploring to loose myself in a book, taking me to another world.  

Visiting Anne became my priority - she couldn't believe this was happening to us.  I would drive over to Bradford to visit her.  Anne, Pauline and myself became closer than ever.  Anne was having problems in terms of her surgery.  Basically they refused to operate.  Her sons fought for her rights to have the operation and eventually they gave in.  

Having private healthcare, my first appointment with my surgeon was at the Nuffield in York.  Mr Munot - a really caring,  endearing  doctor and we immediatly struck up a very trusting relationship.  My consultation was extremely difficult for both David and Myself.  This may sound crude but we were quite physical and my breast were an enormous part of my femininity.  I have always tried to take pride in my appearance and my full breast complimented my curves.  I'm sorry if that sounds a weird thing to say but that was how I was feeling in my consultation.  It was surreal - I was sat on the consultation table naked from the waist up,  David sat at the other side of the curtain listening to us discussing removing my greatest assets But what was the alternative.  This was going to save my life - bring it on!!!!!!

He booked me in for the 22nd December.  Christmas week.